1 week

So one week from today I will be doing my surgery. Wow, I knew the past month would go by quickly but sitting here saying it's in a week is crazy! I think I am ready...I am ready to be back to normal and have my energy back and be pain free. I know that there will be a long road of recovery but I am praying that it will be faster than they expect!
Today is Valentine's Day. Pat and I got to go to dinner which was really nice. I love him so much and he has been so great with all of this. We had a lot of fun talking, recalling memories, and just catching up on us! I don't know why we wait until there is a "special" day to do that. It's so clear that we need to do it far more often!
So today has been a good day! :)

Cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you!

Writing tonight with a headache...trying to hold off as long as I can on taking the pain medication so I don't have to feel out of it all night. Still dealing with a ton of emotions tonight. I just cry...I guess that's ok, right? I've never faced anything that scares me like this does. Grabbing my Father's hand again tonight...

And....there is a date!

So,I finally got a call back from the doctor today. I have a surgery date scheduled for February 22. I thought that when I got this call that I would be relieved because I would have a date and could set my mind on it. After I got off the phone I had a breakdown. I think all my fears came out...it's not like I am just getting a small procedure done they are cutting open my head. I know that God is in control and He will be taking care of me...but sometimes in my tiny human mind it is hard to just trust that! I know that Pat has alot of concerns too and we are learning how to talk about those and get those out. Sometimes they don't come out in the best ways but that is part of the learning that is coming with all of this. I do know that I am so glad that he is the man by my side through this journey. Sometimes I look back over our relationship and I know that we are not perfect and our relationship is not always perfect but he has stuck by me through some really tough stuff! It's in these times that he NEVER lets me down but just steps up and says "we will do what we need to do to get through this!" I love him for that! I know after this journey we will only be stronger as a couple and a family!

This song just popped in my head! How awesome are these words! He is the same yesterday, today, and forever! Father, help me trust You in all my circumstances when they make sense and when they don't, when it's easy and when it's hard. I know you give us only what we can handle. Today I'm jumping into your arms and trusting you to carry me through!


Father of lights

You delight in your children
Father of lights

You delight in your children

Every good and perfect gift
Comes from you
Every good and perfect gift
Comes from you
Every good and perfect gift
Comes from you
Father of lights

Father of lights

You never change
You have no turning
Father of lights

You never change
You have no turning

It's been a couple of days since my last post. This past weekend was a little rough but then the first two days of the week were really great and I am so thankful for that! I will take any days that I feel "normal". Today I went to work and had to take a break half way through because I was so fatigued. I got home and just passed out on the couch and could barely muster the strength to take a shower! This is so frustrating to me...I'm so used to going to work and cleaning for 6-7 hours a day and then coming home and taking care of my own housework in the evening. Tomorrow is another busy day with work I have to be at two houses and that thought overwhelms me right now but hopefully a good nites sleep will be what I need! Tomorrow evening my dear friend Jana is bringing dinner over for us! I am so thankful for the friends that I have and that they are willing to help me out and do things like this. It means so much to me! I'm sure my family will be happy for some "good" food! We have been having alot of grilled cheese and cereal these days! :) But it works! I haven't heard any complaints from Allyah!

I knew that I would have days like today...where everything hits me and I get so fearful! Sometimes I let my thoughts run away and think about the worst. I'm trying to give it all to God and trust that He knows what's best for me and for my precious family. Some days I think that I can handle this and everything will be ok and then days like today are filled with many what ifs. Lord, give me what I need just for today!

I made it!!! It's the weekend!! I went to the grocery store today and can I just say that it was the most unsuccessful trip I have made in a while. At one point I considered just leaving the cart and coming another time. I didn't have my coupons with me, I didn't have my list with me so I was just trying to remember everything...I won't be doing that again! But I got the main things we needed and were out of and other than that we will just be creative on the food front this weekend! :) I did manage to get a nice box of strawberries which are Allyah's favorite so that made her weekend. I haven't had too much pain today, I haven't even popped an Advil today...I am starting to get little twinges now though so hopefully some good rest will take care of that. My weekend plans are not that exciting. I'm just planning on being at home and getting as much done here tomorrow as possible! :)

God's promise

Today was a pretty good day! I went to work and got alot accomplished! I was listening to some worship music today on my way to work and while I was working...I love how God speaks to us through music! I found this song "Let the Waters Rise" by Mikeschair. I love the words to this song...

Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?

sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
'Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
Your never out of reach

God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

Ohhh

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I know that this was God's promise for me today! He will be faithful to carry me through this just like he has carried me through every other season of my life. Yes, I am fearful and I have doubts but I am glad that my God is big enough to handle every one of those. He is GOOD! He created this body and He knows exactly what it needs.

My little boo boo

Today and yesterday I have been thinking alot about my sweet girl...I'm always thinking of her but I've been thinking about how she will deal with all of this. She talks about that Mommy has a "mole" in her head that makes her not feel good but that's about all she says. Sometimes she will come up to me and with her sweetest little voice, gently touch my head and say "Mommy I hope you feel better soon!" This beautiful sweet angel girl was sent straight from heaven to me! The days that aren't that much fun...I just look at her and her little bouncy curly head and she smiles...it melts my heart to pieces! Sometimes I just like to sit and watch her...she is so big and growing up so fast!! Last night she came in with the nail polish in hand and wanted me to paint her fingers and toes for school. Any other time in my life I would have been "too busy" to just sit and have that time, so so sad but true. So we sat on the couch and I painted her nails and she says "Wow Mommy I can't believe you are just sitting here!" How did I become "too busy" to just sit down with the most precious thing in this world to me? Yesterday afternoon, I was napping on the couch and she went and got a bowl of cereal all by herself! She was so proud of herself and I asked her why she didn't ask for help and she said I didn't want to wake you up. :) Anyways, this is where my mind has been the last couple of days...Mommy loves you boo boo with all of my heart!!! I went to work today and accomplished quite a bit with the help of some very awesome friends!!! Thanks Steph and Marsha! You guys were such a blessing!!

Beginning this journey...

So after last Thursday and being with family all weekend...my doctors appt yesterday...today was trying to return back to work and life. I guess I thought that I could just float right back into it and go on with life until my surgery but today was not what I expected at all. I had two jobs scheduled today and only did the one. I spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch. Then towards evening, it hit me and I got emotional. I have to accept that I won't be able to do the things that I could do for awhile. If you know me you know that I kind of obssess about having a clean house and right now it is far from clean! I try to just look the other way and know that it's not going anywhere! :) I'm just waiting on the exact date for the surgery so I have something to work towards, I feel like that will give me some focus! On a positive note I have been absolutely overwhelmed with the support of my friends and family! I am so so blessed!! Praying for alot of energy for tomorrow!